Wednesday 2 September 2009

Confidence and the writer

If it seems I've been blowing my own trumpet a bit loudly of late, please let me explain. This has nothing to do with ego and everything to do with attempting to boost my confidence, a writer's most fragile asset. Mine took a serious drubbing recently and if I've resorted to roll-calling every small success it's only because I need to feel I'm making progress, no matter how minor it might seem to the rest of the world. The real success story has been my new routine of rising at 6am to write for two hours every morning. This has meant the new novel climbed to 22,000 words in two weeks with the result that it now feels like a novel and not a series of randomly related words under a title I keep changing. I'm not saying this first draft is great or even good. I'm under no illusions about the hard graft which lies ahead. But I've turned a corner, got stuck into something new, started over. Alongside this, the small successes themselves count for much in terms of my confidence; they validate my decision to pursue this craft. Perhaps they shouldn't. Perhaps the craft ought to be enough in itself. But I can only rely on my own judgement up to a point. After that point, I need other people's judgement. I am selective in how I respond to this. I don't ask friends or family to pat me on the back. Nor do I hold all editors in the same high esteem, but I am getting better at telling when a judgement is sound. This too is all about confidence.

I can recall more or less precisely the moment when I put aside the textbooks on how to write and learned to trust my instinct. I had listened to enough of the right people saying enough of the right things (and sometimes enough of the wrong things) for me to know when I was on the right track. I realised that I could trust my instinct rather than the opposite. But it doesn't take much to knock that confidence for six, even now. I try not to molly-coddle it too much. I make sure I expose it to knocks which will test it for soundness, the way an expert in fine china will ring a bell with a flick of her fingers to be sure it isn't hiding a hairline crack or three. I'd prefer it didn't get whacked by a hammer, but I don't hide it in bubble-wrap on the top shelf.

I have started to sub to big places, punching above my weight when I can, always raising the bar. But I also sub to venues I've come to trust and like. I hoard the small successes because they give me the confidence to keep punching higher up. Let me give you an example.

A week ago I was despondent about my writing. In a mood that was nine parts masochistic, I subbed a story in anticipation of a rejection. It hit. And another, which also hit. I took my courage in both hands and pitched an idea to the editor of a magazine. It was a cold pitch. I sent him a sample of my writing, the non-fiction piece about my mother's childhood in a prison camp. The editor loved it, asked permission to publish it. And now I'm going to have a headline feature in a respected print magazine with a wide readership in my new city where I'm trying to make my name as a writer. I won't say any more than that until it's published, and I do realise I've come full circle back to my own trumpet, but the point I'm trying to make is that confidence begets confidence. Hoard ye small successes while you may, if I can say that without sounding all hey nonny and a bit insane.

A last word to the lovely Jennifer Stakes, whose blog Writer in the Wilderness invited readers to nominate a collective noun for synopses. I suggested a SOD IT! of Synopses, and Jen was kind enough to award me a beautiful virtual espresso cup as my prize. Perfect for that first strong cup of coffee at 6am. Thanks, Jen!

14 comments:

Jenzarina said...

So pleased I can be part of your triumphs, however tiny! I hope the virtual coffee hits the spot. One day I hope to be able to award real coffee cups!

Really well done on all your recent successes and the book progress.

It's all a bit of a rollercoaster; I had three - count them - three rejections this morning. But a bad day as a writer is better than the best day doing... well, most things, really.

Sarah Hilary said...

Sorry to hear about the rejections, Jen. I've had days like that but I admire your spirit. And the cup was lovely - thanks again!

Tania Hershman said...

Sarah, you are spot on about why we need to announce our successes, not because our egos need it but because it makes them real and it adds to the writerly-ness of our lives. So glad to hear your novel is going so well - and it seems to be true about confidence breeding confidence! Maybe we take the rejections less hard and just shoot stories back out again, I am sure that's part of it too.

Jen, I hope you sent your stories off again!

Martin Edwards said...

You are absolutely right about confidence. Glad things are going well.

Gay Degani said...

Any validation is good validation. Take a bath in it. Spread it all over your body, even in secret places. Eat it for breakfast. Sleep with it under your pillow. Throw it up to the clouds and catch it coming down. Run your tongue over it. Then do it all over again.

Sarah Hilary said...

Thanks, Tania, and YES! I meant to say that to Jen about sending the stories straight back out again. I hope you do that, Jen, and that they hit home soon.

Sarah Hilary said...

Thanks, Martin. I hope you're well.

Sarah Hilary said...

Thanks, Gay! Not sure I should be eating it AND doing all those other things..! Sorry, feeling flippant this morning (the sun's not up yet. Yikes).

Madeline said...

Really needed this post this morning. Thanks, Sarah!

Sarah Hilary said...

Always happy to help a fellow writer, Madeline. I hope your day gets better.

Christian Bell said...

Writing can be so difficult and your confidence level can swing from day to day, even hour to hour. Not long ago, I had a run of 20 or so consecutive rejections and it was really disheartening. The most disheartening thing was not being rejected by the bigger publications but rather the smaller ones where you think you have a decent shot. That sunk my confidence and I gave up submitting for about six months to refocus on writing over getting published. The time off helped me gain perspective and rebuild my confidence.

Trusting your instincts and writing each day means you believe in yourself and have the discipline. These are things I reacquainted myself with during my time off. I think both things are a huge part of achieving long-term success. Congrats on the recent acceptances.

Sarah Hilary said...

Good points, Christian, especially about that balance between writing and subbing. I hope the pendulum swings the right way back up for you soon, as I'm sure it will after the time you've invested in writing.

Vanessa Gebbie said...

Hi Sarah
I share everything you say about needing to bloster ones confidence! It doesnt matter how far one goes, it seems (she said from half a rung up the ladder)it doesnt get any better. I have stuck on my study wall all the acceptances and successes, back to 2004, my first emailed acceptance on an ezine. Its only when you look back that you see how far youve come, as someone once said.

vxx

Sarah Hilary said...

I'll bet that wall looks wonderful, V. Here's to being able to finish papering the whole room with acceptances!